Marriage Ed Musings

This blog has moved

2010-04-30T14:56:00.001-05:00

This blog is now located at http://marriageedmusings.blogspot.com/.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

For feed subscribers, please update your feed subscriptions to
http://marriageedmusings.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default.

Are You Lying To Yourself?

2010-03-06T19:06:00.003-06:00

(The following is an excerpt from our upcoming book, Forgiveness 101 , which you can read RIGHT NOW FOR FREE in the discussion section of our FMU Facebook page . The intro and the first two chapters are live already. The rest is being posted a little at a time each weekday.)

What we’re getting at here is the importance of confession.

Let’s say my 5-year-old son, James, colors on the wall, but denies it. Can he be forgiven?

Yes… and no.

Yes, Julie and I can still forgive the offense, clean up the mess, and forget about it. This is extending forgiveness… to whoever is guilty.

But if James never owns up to his crime, he can’t experience the forgiveness we have extended. He has chosen not to receive our forgiveness. Actually, He might not even feel bad about what he did. He may very well continue to go about life as if it never happened, but it did happen and he cannot truly be released from his guilt until he comes clean.

But what if we actually saw James color on the wall – what if we even tell him, “James, we know you did it.” – and he still won’t confess. Now his past sin sours our present relationship even more, as he continues to lie to us with our full knowledge. (Know someone like that?)

Actually, he’s really lying to himself. He’s convinced himself that pretending he hasn’t wronged us will be better for him (and his relationship with us) than confessing he has wronged us. Instead, he’s making things worse.

And when it comes to hiding our sin from God, we lie to ourselves every time, because God knows… everything. He may come out to the garden calling “Adam… where are you?” But he knows full well where you are (latitude, longitude & elevation) and what you’ve been up to (and for that matter, what you’re wearing… “Nice fig leaf!”). He’s just giving you a sacred opportunity to confess.

(From Chapter 2 of Forgiveness 101. Read the rest - as well as the intro and chapter 1 in the discussion section of our FMU Facebook page.)

Forgiveness 101

2010-03-03T11:11:00.005-06:00

Can you relate at all to this young woman...

"I [recently] realized that I struggle with anger and bitterness. Not just from [a recent relationship failure], but also because of the rape that I went through 2 years ago. I still have not forgiven that man and it's affecting my trust of other men around me...

I don't know how to begin forgiving the rapist, and have even less of an understanding of how to forgive [the first guy I trusted since then, who just shattered my trust in a different way all over again]...

I thought I was ready to just be done with the pain and anger, but I've begun to realize that I'm far from it. I want to be done with the panic attacks and the nightmares that I have over and over again. I want to be able to trust again...

I know I need to turn to Jesus and have struggled with my church commitments and personal devotions for a long time. I don't know if it's me blaming God or something different, but I know I want to get past this. I want the emotions that I struggle with to settle down from the waves in the ocean to the ripples in pond...

Where do I turn to get the help I need? I know it's God somehow, but how? I want to be able to strengthen and grow in my relationship with [God]. The guy who did it all was a very close friend and like a brother to me while growing up. I don't plan on interacting with him at all in the future but I need to forgive him still."

It was this letter (and others stories shared with Julie and me) that finally convinced us to put our entire forgiveness book up online for free. You can read the intro and first chapter on

Facebook now. Click on the link or find us on Facebook and click on the "discussions" tab.

Got Forgiveness?

2010-02-16T21:30:00.004-06:00

I received a couple e-mails from a young woman who's desperate to learn how to forgive someone the world would say you could never forgive: her rapist.

With her permission, I share a bit of her story as an introduction to a book I wrote called Forgiveness 101, which I will be posting in it's entirety over the next several weeks in the discussion pages of our FMU Facebook page.

Do you have any forgiveness issues? Feel free to read along. Just click on the link above, then click on the "Discussions" tab and then on "Forgiveness 101".

Her story and the first part of the book intro is already up now.

A Groundbreaking Breakthrough

2010-01-04T11:02:00.003-06:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out February. However, Part 1 is available NOW right here.]

I have always struggled with goal-setting because I can be a real “all-or-nothing” type person. As a result of this proclivity, I made many a New Year’s resolution to read through the entire Bible in a year. (Ever since I was a teenager, I remember my mom doing that each year. Her Bible was so marked up with highlighters and colored pens it looked like a coloring book.)

Unfortunately, for me, somewhere in the middle of Leviticus or Numbers, my resolve would dissolve. Even if I made it past the Pentateuch, I’d lose it somewhere in the middle of one of the gloom-and-doom prophets. If I fell behind a day or two, it wasn’t that big a deal to catch up, but once I fell more than two days behind, it became a heinous undertaking to get back on board. And eventually I’d stop trying.

But then I stumbled upon an ingenious intellectual invention; a capital idea; a ground-breaking breakthrough. I decided to read all the way through the Bible once every two years. Did you catch that – that’s all the way through the Bible; not in 12 months, but in 24. No – not 24 hours, but 24 months.

This resulted in a remarkable thing – I now had only half as much reading to accomplish each day. (Who’d have ever guessed?!?!) Now I could fall behind and still never get that far behind. Suddenly reading all the way through the Bible wasn’t an impossibility. It took me twice as long as my Mom (and I used less colors), but at least I made it through.

Perhaps this could work for you? Perhaps you just need to delve in depth into the New Testament; or even a particular book. Perhaps you could read through the whole Bible in three years; or four. Don’t be all-or-nothing about it. More often than not, something is way better than nothing. And in the case of God’s word, that’s positively the case.

Bottom line, if you know you need to get in the word more and you have the desire to do it, then prayerfully make a plan!

[Check back weekly for more excerpts of the FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, or check out Part 1 right here.]

If you've had your own groundbreaking breakthrough in this area, share it here! You might have the answer someone else is looking for!

MJ

Chick Flicks & Real Life

2009-12-19T12:11:00.006-06:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out in January. However, Part 1 is already out and available

here.]

Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. - Col 3:2-4 (ESV)

I love that verse: “When Christ, who is our life…”

So many cheese-eating chick flicks have the guy tell the girl, something along the lines of…

“You are my life!” “You make life make sense!” “You’re my everything!” “You complete me!” “You are the breath that I breath!” “You make me come alive!” “You’re my reason for living!”

In the words of Marty McFly to his future wife, in Back to the Future, “You are my density… I mean, my destiny!” HOGWASH!

Your destiny is to share all of eternity with Christ in heaven (where, according to Jesus, no one gets married, by the way). Christ is your life. Only He can make your life make sense. He’s your everything. Only He can complete you, give you breath and make you come alive. He is your reason for living. And in a sense, he’s probably your density too.

Look, I’m not trying to get super-spiritual on you here (then again this is a Bible study), but all of these “heart-felt” Hollywood lines are really saying the same thing: “You are my idol!” And really, when you consider how stinkin’ hot the chick is, to whom these lines are addressed, who can blame the guy?

But that’s just it. The lines may be trite, but the temptation to put the girl or guy in front of God is titanic. That’s why I don’t think it’s super-spiritual to shoot these movie lines down. Even the wisest man of all time, Solomon, son of David, had just one harmless little Achilles heel – women. And it gutted his life. (Check out 1 Kings 11:1-13 if you think I’m exaggerating.)

It’s not that women are bad, guys. Ladies, it’s not that men are the devil.

It’s that looking for life from another human being is an exercise in futility. Sure it feels good to experience that chemistry; that passion that’s part and parcel to being in love; and I hope when you’re married in the not-so-distant future you enjoy that more days than you do not; that you celebrate it; that you breath it in.

But your beloved will run dry eventually unless they’re being renewed by the well that never runs dry. And that’s the same source from which you should be getting your life as well.

Well, how about you? Did you know that Christ is your life? Do you think about him that way? What things on earth are you setting your mind on? Are they really giving you the life you thought they would or are they actually sapping your life away?

[Check back weekly for more excerpts of the FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, or check out Part 1 right here.]

My Mom’s Rose-Colored Stained Glass Dating Advice

2009-12-11T00:08:00.005-06:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out in January. However, Part 1 is already out and available here.]

Compared to the average bear, I was given a lot more to go on when it came to marriage preparation. My mom was intensely intentional about providing direction and admonishment on the topic of relationships in general and romance in particular. All relational issues were up for discussion; and from her life experience and extensive Biblical knowledge she often shared great advice.

Her only consistently weak spot was in discerning the feelings of the girl I was currently into. In my mom’s mind, every girl I ever fell in love with was probably in love with me too. Unfortunately, the girls I asked out were so good at suppressing their passions they didn’t even know their true feelings; just my Mom. We'd have conversations that went like this...

Me: “But Mom, I’ve asked her out seventeen times now.”

Mom: “Well, college is busy. You did say she was in a sorority, right?”

Me: “Yes! And she’s taking some other guy to her sorority dance.”

Mom: “She’s probably playing hard-to-get.”

Me: “If she is. She’s winning.”

Mom: “I remember when I was that age. I didn’t want to ask the guy I really liked. I would want to protect myself from getting hurt. What was her last reason for not going out with you?”

Me: “Ah. She said she didn’t like me.”

In reality, the first girl to like me back was Julie. And so I married her. That’s not the strategy we recommend at FMU, but by God’s grace, the first girl to like me back turned out to be a real winner. On the plus side, we had already been close friends for over 2 years before we even started dating, and that is something we recommend at FMU.

[end of excerpt]

Well, how about you? How have your parents helped (or not helped) you prepare for your future marriage? Feel like you'd like more to go on? DON'T WAIT FOR PREMARITAL COUNSELING! You can check out our podcast on The Boundless Show, the young adult outreach of Focus On The Family.

[Check back weekly for more excerpts of the FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, or check out Part 1 right here.]

But You Still Got To Live A Little, Right?

2009-11-21T21:37:00.004-06:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, due out in January. However, Part 1 is already out and available here.]

Some think that being a Christian is all well and good, but you still got to live a little, right? What does this sentiment say about the perception of where life comes from?

The world says that life comes from sin. The partying lifestyle of binge drinking, uninhibited sexuality and recreational drugs – this is life. Buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t like– this is life. No rules, no restrictions, no consequences – this is life. Breaking all the rules, taking all you can, faking all you have to – this is life.

The Bible, on the other hand, says sin brings death. Who’s right? Who are you going to believe?

The irrefutable fact is, sin can make you feel alive. It can give you a rush; a high; a sense of invulnerability. In the face of temptation your heart races, your head spins and your palms sweat as you wonder, “Can I get away with this?” That’s part of the fun. Indeed, the very first sin was supposed to bring death, but Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit and kept on living. They got away with it! For a little while.

And that’s the rub. The theoretical “life” that sin offers you is fleeting; it’s life in the moment, and guilt (or denial) in perpetuity. There’s a logical reason sin is this way, it has to be or no one would sin.

If you haven’t discovered quite yet, someday you will –Satan wants to destroy you. That’s his end game, so to entice you into destroying yourself he has to offer you something that offers immediate gratification, so he appeals to your pride, your greed, your lust, your selfishness; whatever carrot he needs at the end of the stick.

God has a different end game in mind. He wants to make you whole; complete; mature, but no one becomes whole through pride, no one finds completion in lust and no one matures through selfishness. That being true, God can’t “lure” you into righteousness by offering the kind of trinkets and baubles that Satan can. So the world says, “take everything you can get” and “the one who dies with the most toys wins” (to which I think, “wins what?”), but in reality when I grasp for all that “life” I get death.

On some level we’ve all experienced this. We fought so hard to get the job, or the car or the recognition or the vacation or the promotion or the affections of that special someone; and then we get it. Then what? Was our life made complete? Now, it seems completely counterintuitive to think that if we stop fighting for all those things we want that we’ll find life without those “toys,” but at some point you got to figure “Plan A” hasn’t been working. It might be time to try “Plan B.”

[Check back weekly for more excerpts of the FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 2, or check out Part 1 right here.]

Do Hard Things

2009-09-28T15:10:00.003-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 1]

I don’t know if Zac Sunderland ever went to one of Alex and Brett Harris’ Rebelution seminars or read their book, Do Hard Things, but on June 14, 2008, at 16 years of age, he determined to do something formidably hard. That’s when he embarked on a 28,000 mile/13 month solo-sailing trip around the globe in a 36-foot boat.

By the time you’re reading this, his record (of becoming the youngest individual to sail around the world) may have already been beaten by another younger sailor that set out shortly after Zac, but in a faster vessel. It couldn’t be that hard to beat Zac’s time, seeing as how, sailing barely 70 miles a day, he maintained an average cruising speed of less than 3 MPH!!

Zac good-naturedly said the other boy’s boat was built for speed, but his was built for adventure. Whether you would consider 13 months at sea adventure or torture, everyone could probably agree it was a very hard thing!

But do you know what is one of the hardest things you can do? Think.

No – I’m not asking you to think about what the answer might be. “Thinking” is the answer! Thinking is one of the hardest things you can do. Have you ever thought about it? (Pun intended.) Oftentimes doing things is hard, but many a person has attempted something difficult without really thinking about it ahead of time.

I have. And then I think, “What was I thinking?!” (Of course, that’s an ironic question to ask in those circumstances.)

In this lesson I want to encourage you to grow in a special kind of thinking the Bible calls discernment. The KJV dictionary defines discernment as follows: to examine, prove or test; scrutinize.

I realize that in light of preparing for marriage, this doesn’t sound very sexy or romantic, but here’s the deal: if you are not very discerning in dating and courtship, you are flirting with far more than you realize. Follow this train of logic (all aboard!):

• If you’re not very discerning you will not make very good decisions.
• Poor decisions hurt yourself and damage relationships.
• The more important the decisions, the more critical the need for discernment.
• The more significant the relationship, the more devastating the impact of poor discernment.

[Is discernment a problem for you? TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 1 will help you learn to make smarter decisions by discerning patterns of failure, discerning the impact of consumption, and discerning the difference between the problem and the symptoms.]

MJ

Doubting Thomas, Anyone?

2009-08-17T10:54:00.005-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles: Part 1]

It’s kind of funny, when you think about it. Christian faith begins with “trusting Jesus for salvation,” but once that’s done many of us shake hands with our “spiritual insurer” (maybe we give him a bear hug) and then we go elsewhere to insure the other aspects of our life (car, job, health, relationships, marital prospects).

How can we say we trust God for something as awesome as the eternal salvation of our souls, but not trust him with something as temporary as our next job assignment or even something like marriage? Surely your future marriage isn’t as big a deal as your salvation! If God can secure the latter, the former should be a lock. Conversely, if I can’t trust him to guide me into marriage (and in my marriage), can I really trust him to guide me to heaven?

What’s not so funny is that lack of trust (or faith) is a HUGE barrier to intimacy with God and other people (can you see how this might affect your future marriage?).

The starting point to learning this kind of trust is first recognizing whether you struggle with trusting God in the first place. Not every spiritual doubter is as obvious to pick out as "Doubting Thomas", who wouldn’t believe Jesus had risen from the dead until he had stuck his finger in the holes in Jesus’ hands and side.

If you don’t think trusting God is problem for you, how do you feel about your current status of singleness? Do you feel cheated, forgotten or punished unfairly?

If you feel like you’re getting the proverbial short end of the metaphorical stick when it comes to relationships, then you have to face it. You doubt God. Fortunately, that’s not the unforgivable sin. In fact, every man of faith in scripture doubted God from time to time, but they eventually had to repent and ask God to help them trust him. You will too.

As a matter of fact, Thomas wasn’t actually the only doubter among the remaining 11 disciples. In Mark 16:11, the word says that when Mary Magdalene had seen Jesus, none of the disciples believed her. The following verses go on to say that Jesus appeared to two others (Luke tells us they were on the road to a town called Emmaus), but no one believed them either. None of the eleven disciples believed until they saw Jesus for themselves. Thomas just happened to be the last one to finally see him.

If you ask me, Thomas should have been called Honest Thomas, because he was simply honest about his doubt. I want to encourage you to be honest about your doubt too. Like the father of the boy with an unclean spirit declared, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 (ESV)).

[Is trusting God is a problem for you? "TOP10 Marriage Tips For Smart Singles: Part 1" will give you a couple tests to help you discern where you’re at. Then we'll give you handles on how to get to where you want to be.]

MJ

Are You Horrified?

2009-08-07T00:03:00.009-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles: Part 1]

Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the LORD, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.

Jeremiah 2:12-13 (ESV)

Why do we forsake God? Do you really believe he is a fountain of living waters?

What cisterns have you hewn out for yourself in the past only to find them unable to hold water?

What broken cistern are you tempted to keep going back to now?

Jeremiah says, “Be appalled; be shocked; be utterly desolate.” The NIV interprets it this way: “Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror." Do you really see this whole affair of trying to take care of yourself, instead of going to God, as being that big a deal? Are you “horrified” by it? Why or why not?

Perhaps we don’t see the “horror” of forsaking God and turning to other means of life, because we don’t have the foggiest idea of the kind of life God wants to give us. We’ve truly been duped into believing that whiter teeth will give us life; or a nicer car or bigger house; or trophy spouse that worships the ground we walk on.

If we could see ourselves from God’s point of view – needy, lost and hopeless without him, but full of promise and supernatural potential when we turn to him alone – perhaps then we could comprehend what we give up when we forsake him.

[Would you like to read more? Sign up for our free monthly e-newsletter, The Smart Single!]

Won’t Leave You, But Might Disappoint You

2009-08-01T13:08:00.003-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles: Part 1]

One reason why you might find it difficult to trust God, is probably because he’s let you down so many times.

(Did I really just write that?)

Yes, I did.

God has let me down more times than I can count. I’ve felt forgotten by him, tricked by him and ripped off by him.

At this point, you might be thinking, “But God promised to never leave or forsake us!” And you’re absolutely right. The writer of Hebrews says that in chapter 13, verse 5, but let’s take that in context.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

Hebrews 13:5-6 (ESV

Did you know this beloved verse about God “never leaving us” starts off telling us to stop chasing material wealth and be content with what we have? Is it really any wonder we get discouraged with the Christian walk when we want to quote the latter part of this verse, but not the former. I can’t hold God to his promise not to leave or forsake me if I’m not going to follow the attached command to keep my life free from the love of money and be content with what I have.

When was the last time you were disappointed with God’s work in your life. Did he actually fail to fulfill his promises or did he simply fail to meet your expectations?

If you’ve felt let down by our Heavenly Father, like I have, that only means you have the same problem I do: you can’t stop living for yourself. You see, if I insist on living the “Christian life”, believing God’s going to reward me accordingly, I can’t help but be disappointed, because I’m not living for him. I’m living for me; and God doesn’t live for me. He lives for his glory.

If you keep having the wrong expectations you’re going to continue to experience disappointment with God. It can’t happen any other way. If you don’t get what you expect, you’re going to be disappointed.

Where's My Cheering Section?

2009-07-23T08:19:00.010-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles: Part 1]

Did you ever see the Starbuck’s Doubleshot Espresso “Hank” commercial. (If not,

check it out on YouTube here.) Hank partakes of Starbuck’s canned beverage and afterwards winds up with a literal cheering section everywhere he goes.

Now, what does a doubleshot of espresso really promise you? Perhaps your favorite coffee flavor? Certainly some energy?

What about a cheering section? Does anyone really expect a group of people in matching outfits outside your home in grandstands chanting your name just because you drank a Starbuck’s doubleshot? No.

But imagine if someone did. Imagine if a certain naïve individual saw that ad and really expected that. They buy the drink, they pop the top and. Nothing. They take a sip. Nothing. They finish the beverage and still hear no music, no cheers. No sound at all. Then imagine them exploding in irrepressible anger. WHERE’S MY CHEERING SECTION!?!?! I’VE BEEN RIPPED OFF!!!

See where wrong expectations leave you? Our simpleminded little friend missed out completely on the simple pleasure of the intentionally tailored taste of their beverage because they were too busy looking for something else. And, ironically, rather than making good use of the caffeine-induced energy boost, they burned off all that energy blowing their top over what they didn’t get from their drink.

Of course, that whole scenario would be absurd. Really?

I remember getting tennis shoes I was sure would make me run faster. I bought a car that would give me more respect. And I have consumed many a food item that I thought would make me feel better. Still do. Am I really alone here?

In truth, none of us consciously expects a crowd to start chanting our name just because we downed a can of coffee, but what do we subconsciously expect from that "next thing"? How many times is our discontentment the result of surreptitious, unrealistic unmet expectations?

I’ll tell you a secret. It is expectations just like this which sink many a relationship – casual, serious, marital or otherwise.

Don’t fool yourself! That next thing (whether it’s marriage or something else) will not guarantee your contentment. In fact, the expectation that it will is the very thing that will sap the pleasure you expected to get from that next thing when you finally get it. Just like our friend who consumed his canned café expecting a cheering section instead of a chilled coffee taste; and subsequently wasted all the energy it gave him raging over what it did not.

MJ

Interplanetary Real Estate, Darth Vader and Contentment

2009-07-16T15:31:00.004-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles: Part 1]

In 1 Tim 6:6-8(NAS), Paul says, "But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."

Paul appeals to us to change our expectations. Instead of determining that we will only be content once we find the trophy spouse, achieve financial independence and obtain perfect health (or have 1.5 kids, buy a home or whatever else you have on your list), he says lower your expectations. Be content with food and clothing.

As we consider this, we can’t ignore the fact that financial independence and perfect health are completely out of reach of the vast majority of the world’s population. Indeed, these goals are so lofty as to not even cross the mind of most of the world’s inhabitants. And not just today, but throughout the history of mankind.

Imagine if I told you I couldn’t be content until I completed the first real estate development on Pluto, and sold it at a 500% profit to Darth Vader. First, you’d tell me that Darth Vader is dead; and even when he was alive he wasn’t into real estate. Then you’d tell me my requirements for contentment were far too high and I was in serious need of lowering my expectations. That’s how the billions of people living on less than a dollar a day would feel about our discontentment.

MJ

Stop Plucking Out Your Own Feathers!

2009-07-07T00:05:00.004-05:00

[The following is an excerpt from the upcoming FMU Success Prep Study Guide, TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles: Part 1]

One of my favorite exhibits at our local zoo is the aviary where they keep the Rainbow Lorikeets. As the name would lead you to suspect, these birds display all the colors of the rainbow in their multihued plumage. They are truly beautiful birds; except for Igor. (Yes, the zookeepers have named each bird.) Igor actually has the same exact coloring as all the others; except around his neck. There, instead of his fine-looking feathers, Igor sports a ring of naked pale skin.

Mandy, the zoologist (yes, the animals have named all the zookeepers), explained that months ago, Igor came down with a sore throat. Determined to address the problem, he began to pick at his throat with his beak. Now keep in mind, these birds are constantly using their beaks to pick at their feathers. And when they’re not using their beaks for that, they’re using them to pick at the feathers of their fellow birds. In this way, they meticulously groom themselves and each other. It’s what keeps them looking so lovely; except for Igor.

In this instance Igor wasn’t trying to gently groom his neck as would be natural. He was trying to attack his throat problem. Of course, you know he was never going to fix the inside of his neck by attacking the outside, but he wasn’t able to discern the difference.

Now Mandy assured me that when they first noticed this behavior they diagnosed and treated the problem. But it was all too late. They don’t know why (perhaps his neck bothered him now because he had been picking at it), but resolute to rid himself of his esophageal discomfort (which no longer existed) he eventually ensued to denude his entire neck of its former feathery finery.

Igor lacked discernment. He identified a problem and then created more trouble for himself by trying to address it. Then even before the original problem had been solved he had already created a new problem for himself.

I’m like Igor sometimes. I feel down. I eat a dozen cookies to make me feel better. And then I feel sick to my stomach. And then I gain weight and feel even worse. Or perhaps I’m mad at someone, so I imagine a dozen different ways I could make them suffer the way they’ve made me suffer. And then, after plucking out half of my feathers, I’m so mad I wind up yelling at my 8-year-old daughter for no reason. And then I’m depressed again. So I set out on a new quest for the cookie jar. (I think my wife has hidden it. Now I’m mad again.)

How about you? Can you relate to Igor? How many times do we try and fix problems going on inside us by changing things on the outside? Of course we don’t pick at our neck feathers, but we change our hair style, buy new clothes, get a tan to make our skin darker, go to the orthodontist to make our teeth whiter and go to the ophthalmologist to make our eyes brighter. Then we get the hair on our heads to grow thicker while we permanently remove it everywhere else. Eventually, we can make our belly smaller, our chest bigger and our skin tighter.

Feel better now?

One of the most infamous of all plastic surgery exhibits, Michael Jackson, died just the week before the writing of these words. Igor and Michael – what further proof do we need that changing the outside doesn’t heal the inside?

[Would you like to read more? Sign up for our free monthly e-newsletter, The Smart Single!]

Introducing: The TOP10 Workbook Series

2009-06-11T00:09:00.004-05:00

Great news! This September we'll be releasing the first of three workbooks in a 3-part workbook series named after one of the talks I did at Lipscomb this Spring: The TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles.

The first book in the series focuses on what we call “The Three Learns”; three competencies you want to get a good hold of before you pursue marriage. Keep in mind, these are life lessons that will take a lifetime to conquer. You’re not going to have them all sewed up by the end of this 10-week course, but you’ll be miles ahead of most people just because you’re striving to learn. Many people stagnate at some level with each of these issues, but when they do, they pay the price; and if they get married their marriage pays the price.

If you’re a smart single, you’d rather exert the effort to pursue maturity in these areas than endure the consequences of denial, settling or giving up.

If that sounds like you, register for our free E-weekly newsletter right now and you'll be one of the first to know when The TOP10 Marriage Tips for Smart Singles (Part 1: The Three Learns) workbook is available. Actually, you may even be able to get a "beta" copy of one of the lessons for free.

And Future Marriage University may be coming to a campus near you in the Fall as we're currently in talks with Belmont, Northwestern, Pepperdine, Trevecca and more! Not close enough to you? Give us a contact at YOUR school or church or send them to our website!

Happy Summer! Hope to see you in the Fall!

Prepare NOT to Lose

2008-12-27T15:04:00.005-06:00

I have a friend who shared with me his two biggest fears: bankruptcy and divorce.

As a single, what would yours be - never marrying at all; or perhaps marrying only to wind up divorced... and alone again?

I ask this after reflecting on my "Pick One" blog from last June. I asked you to identify which of the following you desired the most:
Meaningful Career
Impressive Income
Impactful Ministry
Fulfilling Social Life
Amazing Marriage

But I think I'd like to ask the opposite question this time. Which of the following do you fear the most:
Job Layoff
Bankruptcy
Failure in ministry
Betrayal by close friends
Divorce

Of course all of them are scary, but which do you fear the most? If you're not sure, ask people you know that have experienced one or more of the misfortunes above. Consider what remedies (if any) exist for each hardship. Think about the impact each would make on your life immediately and in the long run.

Again, as I said in June, choosing where you most want to win determines where you least want to lose. Where do you least want to lose?

If divorcephobia is a significant concern you hold for your future, why not do something about it? After all, divorce isn't a disease that people just catch. It's the result of a marriage lacking repentance, forgiveness, trust, understanding, and grace. But where do you go to learn about and grow in such qualities; other than by just bumbling through relationships trying to figure it out?

How do you learn anything? SEEK OUT THE ANSWERS!

This New Year's read a marriage book, interview a married couple you really respect, attend a class on marriage, communication, conflict resolution or personal finance. In James 1:5, Paul says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Here's to a new year of pursuing wisdom that could set your marriage up for success before it ever begins. Let us know how we can pray for you on your journey.

MJ

Pick One

2008-06-28T11:06:00.003-05:00

My first career after college was in radio advertising and in my initial visit with a perspective advertising client, I tried to get them to tell me their one competitive advantage – the one single area where they believed they decisively beat their competition. I say “tried to get them to tell me” because it was much more difficult to isolate this “one thing” than you would think.

I’d start with a very short list of basic areas in which common retail business compete.

Selection
Service
Price
Expertise
Location

I’d give the decision-maker the list above and ask them to pick one… at least narrow it down to two. Most of the business owners couldn’t narrow it down to four. Instead, in all sincerity, they would confidently declare they won in every category.

You know those businessmen (and women) were lying to themselves more than to me. In truth, they probably wanted to win in every category, but you really can’t open a business in the best location, carrying the largest selection at the lowest price and pay for a staff that can excel at both service and expertise. Something’s got to give. And it does.

I was reminded of this little exercise as I was thinking of idealistic college students looking to the future with all the sincerity of the aforementioned business owners.

If I were to hit a Christian college campus and gave students a very short list of basic goals and asked them to identify which one they wanted to reach more than any other, what would it be?

Meaningful Career
Impressive Income
Impactful Ministry
Fulfilling Social Life
Amazing Marriage

What about you? Which would you pick… if you could only pick one?

Of course, everyone wants to have that meaningful career that yields an impressive income and still yields enough hours in the day for ministry, social life and marriage. But, at critical crossroads in life, something’s got to give. And it will. At the end of the day, choosing where you most want to win determines where you least want to loose. Where do you least want to loose?

If an amazing marriage is in your TOP3, you’re in the right place. We want to help you prepare for your future marriage... ahead of time.

You can start by checking out the full session series from our first seminar back in November. You’ll find them here: "Getting Marriage" Seminar Sessions.

Then you can talk to the leader of your College & Career ministry about having Julie and me speak at your school or church. Click here for seminar topics. That page actually features the chapter summaries of our future tome, Besides Sex & Salvation, but we have done small group studies and seminar sessions on every chapter. If interested, e-mail us info@MarriageEdForSingles.org or call 615-595-7184.

Hope you’re having a great Summer, but don’t miss the opportunity to plan for where you want to be next Summer… or seven summers from now.

MJ

We're Looking For Elvis

2008-05-05T23:15:00.004-05:00

Marriage Ed is in the midst of a vital revamp including a new name and new marketing approach.

Why?

Because at our last Marriage Ed Saturday Seminar for Singles over half of our attendees admitted they didn’t want to come to the seminar. Let me say that again. At least HALF of those that DID come to the seminar didn’t WANT to come before they came. In fact, one of those attendees was on their way to play golf instead, but fnally turned the car around, went back home, changed clothes and came to our seminar (and made it on time, by the way)!

Do half of all Coke drinkers not really want to drink it? Do half the people that attend a certain movie not want to see it? Do half the people that get married not want to get married? (We’re not talking about whether they want to stay married.)

The rest of the story is that every person that confessed their reservations, wound up very very very glad they came. (Could that have been you?) God spoke to them; touched them; broke through to them. Funny… that’s what we prayed for.

Speaking of praying, will you pray for us? Because if you’ve gotten anything out of our classes, seminars (sessions available for download right now) or the information here on the website you probably suspect we’re on to something. (In fact our original car video that lays out the basic premise behind Marriage Ed has now been viewed over 1,000 times now.) Singles need to prepare for marriage AHEAD OF TIME… even starting back in high school. Premarital counseling simply comes to late for many lovesick lovebirds.

But how can we get college and career singles to not only wake up and recognize, but actually embrace the need to equip themselves ahead of the passion of love? How could we get YOU to come to our next seminar? Any ideas? We’d welcome them! Please e-mail us at info@MarriageEdForSingles.org.

And watch for what we do next. We might just take the Love Boat stage show on the road. OK, maybe not. Buck & Sasha may take their show to ABC Family (check out the outtakes video above). OK, that probably won’t happen either, but you watch. We’re going to do something big. Something unbelievable. Something that might bring Elvis out of retirement… or Michael Jackson back from the dead… or maybe even prepare millions of smart singles for success in marriage and life.

Pray... give us your thoughts if you have any... and then pray some more. Hey... we're praying for you.

MJ

Where's Your Ghost?

2008-04-12T12:39:00.003-05:00

I took James by himself out to lunch for the first time recently. James is our 5-year-old foster son who just moved in with us at the start of the year. We had a nice time, but I was surprised by his answer to the question, “What’s your favorite thing about your former foster home.”

“I saw a ghost,” he told me matter-of-factly. “He just stood there looking at me and then disappeared.” (With favorite things like that, who needs a LEAST favorite thing?!?!)

“Well,” I told him, “we don’t have any ghosts at our home.”

“Why not?” came the obvious response.

“Well, we don’t believe in ghosts at our home and if you don’t believe in ghosts you’ll never see them.”

So what did James really see in his bedroom that night? Who knows, but I know from personal experience that if I try hard enough to see something in the dark my mind can mystically mold the shapeless darkness into the most frightening forms. It really doesn’t take much imagination to turn a coat hanging on the back of a door into a headless monster wearing that coat… and drooling… blood.

That said, the week of my conversation with James, we were fasting with our church in an effort to oppose the spirit of fear, so over the course of the week we took time for each family member to share one thing they were afraid of.

When it was my turn I said I was afraid of failure. When it was James’ turn, you already know what he said. And since I had advanced warning from our previous lunch conversation you’ll be glad to know I had a blithe dismissive response prepared for him.

“Well, that’s great, James, because since ghosts aren’t real then you don’t have anything to be afraid of anymore.”

But then it occurred to me. I’m afraid of something that’s no more real than ghosts.

James might as well have told me, “Well, Dad, since failure isn’t really a possibility for a follower of Christ, then you don’t have anything to be afraid of anymore.”

You see, if you believe in an all-loving God that wants nothing, but the very best for you; if you believe in an omniscient God that knows what that best is; and if you believe in a omnipotent God that can and will bring that very best about notwithstanding any person or circumstance, but your own free-will to oppose Him, failure really doesn’t fit into that reality… does it?

Read that sentence again.

So if the only thing that can spell failure in my life is my own choice to disobey God’s will then I’m really afraid of disobedience… not failure.

If I insist on disobedience – trusting in my own way – failure is assured. If I walk in faith and obedience, success is guaranteed.

Of course, all of this is a matter of perspective, but who gets to decide what’s a failure and what’s a success? Us?

Hebrews 12:1-3 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”

Who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross. Don’t you know Christ hanging on the cross clearly looked like failure in the eyes of the world… it even looked it in the eyes of the disciples at the time!

It wasn’t to God. It was success to Him. Christ trusted and obeyed. God brought the success. And we’re called to “consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted” – ie… be afraid.

What’s your perspective?

Let’s talk about ghosts again. If James screws up his eyes in the dark long enough he can turn the dirty clothes he left on the floor into a multi-tentacled creature that crawls under his bed. If he does, where is the ghost really? In his clothes or in his mind?

And if I allow my mind to imagine the worse case scenarios that lie around the bend, as if I served a God that was disinterested or disabled where is the failure I’m fearing? It’s in my mind.

So where’s your ghost?

Be Prepared Before You Fall In Love

2008-03-24T08:00:00.008-05:00

Either this is the umpteenth stop you’ve made to this site or you just dropped in for your first visit. Regardless, our next Saturday Seminar For Singles is THIS SATURDAY!

Is it for you?

Depends.

Are you single? (Doesn’t matter if you’re dating, engaged or divorced.)

Do you believe that marriage (or remarriage) is probably the biggest decision you’ll make between now and when you die?

Could you stand to benefit from insight from someone who’s been called to spend a substantial part of the last 5 years of their life preparing college and career singles (just like you) for marriage?

If you answered “Yes” to all three of those questions, click here and register NOW: Be Prepared Before You Fall In Love.

Here’s what we’ll be covering:
Session 1: The Single Most Important Relational Skill – How Do You forgive?
Chapter 2: I’m OK. You’re obnoxious. – The Delicate Art of Appreciating Differences
Chapter 3: FIREFIGHTING 101 – How To Cool Down Your Crises
Chapter 4: WHAT’S DRIVING YOUR SEX DRIVE? – What They Didn’t Teach You In Sex Ed
Chapter 5: FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE – What To Do When You Leave Here

We’re going to learn A LOT and we’re going to have a lot of FUN! And even a yummy lunch. That said, EVEN IF YOU’RE PLANNING TO PAY AT THE DOOR PLEASE E-MAIL US AND LET US KNOW YOU’RE COMING, so we can make sure we have your lunch ready. info@MarriageEdForSingles.org.

Hope to see you THIS SATURDAY!

MJ

OUCH!

2008-03-17T08:00:00.007-05:00

Is there someone in your life with whom you simply don’t interact… someone you can’t stand… someone for whom the mere mention of their name stands the hair up on the back of your neck?

Did they hurt you?
Reject you?
Take advantage of you?
Ignore you?
Humiliate you?
Slander you?
Steal something from you?
Withhold something they owed you?
Betray you?

Do you think you’ll never be able to forgive them?

Well, what if I told you that if you can’t forgive them your chances of enjoying a healthy life-giving marriage drop precipitously?

This is true for at least two reasons:
#1 Despite your best intentions, you’ll bring that buried bitterness into marriage
And
#2 It’s likely that one day your partner may very well hurt you just as much.

You’ve heard “nobody’s perfect,” but the reality is really much darker than that. Apart from Christ we’re all just a stone’s throw away from unimaginable selfishness, pride and greed. In short, forgiveness is not only a relational skill you need to be joyfully married. It may very well be THE relational skill you will need if you want to stay married at all.

It would be ambitious to assume that one session of one seminar can teach you how to forgive, but in 45 minutes we will unpack five Biblical realities that can help. In fact, if you can accept these realities like you accept gravity; if you can know these truths like you know your closest friend; if you can embrace them like your dearest love; forgiveness will become as natural to you as breathing.

And who doesn’t like breathing?

Knowing is half the battle, so we hope you’ll come out and join us for our upcoming Saturday Seminar For Singles – Be Prepared Before You Fall In Love.

IT’S LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AWAY, SO REGISTER TODAY!!! Just click on the link above and we’ll see you there!

MJ

29 Different Areas of Compatibility

2008-03-10T14:06:00.008-05:00

Imagine this job interview…

Interviewer:So, Mr. Johnson, you’re here because you want to work for our company.
Job Applicant: Yes sir, Mr. Gates.
Interviewer: Well, why don’t you tell me what caught your interest in our firm.
Job Applicant: Well, Bob is actually the guy that introduced me to your business. He works in the R&D department. He’s always talked highly of this place, and well… the more I heard about it the more curious I became, so I got online and read up on your company. Just really impressive all you’re doing. Your product line – obviously – is the tops in the industry, but what’s way cooler than that is I filled out this online career assessment and – would you believe? – I found out that me and this company match up in 29 different areas of compatibility!!!
Interviewer: Well that is noteworthy. Let’s talk about the actual job you’re interviewing for. Tell me about your qualifications for the position.
Job Applicant: Ahhhhhh…. Well… I’ve always been a real go-getter and I’m looking forward to throwing myself into this new career. Ahhhhhhhh… I’ve been unemployed for some time, but always knew I’d find that right career eventually. It’s only been a matter of timing. AND HERE YOU ARE! How crazy! I never thought I could find a place where I could be so compatible.
Interviewer: Hmmmm… that is very interesting… 29 areas, did you say?
Job Applicant: Yes sir!
Interviewer: Well, what was your degree in?
Job Applicant: Excuse me?
Interviewer: Your college degree; tell me about your education.
Job Applicant: Well, actually my Mom and Dad both worked in this same field… more or less… I mean this industry didn’t exactly exist back then... anyways I spent a lot of my growing up years watching them. And of course, I’ve had lots of jobs myself – not in this career – but I learned a lot from each of them.
Interviewer: But you never went to college?
Job Applicant: Well no, sir, I…
Interviewer: Well then you must have gone to some seminars or workshops then? Perhaps you read up on the industry or completed some online course after you found out about all those compatible areas… How many did you say?
Job Applicant: 29, Sir, but that’s just all the areas they had to match up on. I’m sure if there were a way to measure it, I could be matched for this career path in 32… 37… probably like 42 different areas!!
Interviewer: I’m, sorry, Mr. Johnson, but I don’t think you truly realize how difficult a position this is that you’re applying for.
Job Applicant: Oh, believe me, sir, I know! I hear this kind of career can chew a guy up and spit him right out. In fact, I know the statistics. Over half the guys that enter this career burn out and have to switch jobs, but I’m ready, sir. I won’t let you down. I’ll be the most faithful, dedicated employee you ever hired! In fact, I know I can grasp all I need to handle in the 2 weeks of on-the-job training.
Interviewer: In the 2 weeks of on-the… Mr. Johnson, this isn’t like any of your other jobs. You’re not going to learn this in 2 weeks. And you couldn’t really even begin to grasp how to survive in this business by watching your parents when you were a kid… or even now… are they still in this business?
Job Applicant: Well… no… they moved on to different careers.

END OF INTERVIEW

Please hear me, I wish that EVERY college and career single could have a cognizant understanding of where they turned up in 29 different areas of their personality. And then to be able to see how other potential dating partners or mates compare in those same areas. THAT WOULD BE INVALUABLE!

But, read my lips – compatibility is NOT the key to a life-long mutually satisfying relationship. And if you don’t believe me, think of a married couple you respect tremendously that’s been marred at least 7 years. Then sometime before the end of this week, I want you to ask them how “compatible” they are. You might not even have to ask them. You might already know how different they are from one another. And even if they say, “Yes, compatibility is the key to our marriage’s success.” There will be 10 other couples, with every bit as fulfilling a marriage who would laugh at the notion of compatibility making their marriage work.

Do incompatible people get divorced? ABSOLUTELY! In fact, probably close to 100% of divorces happen between two incompatible people, but, if you haven’t gathered by now from this blog, we believe that’s probably because EVERYONE is different… and whether you’re compatible in 0 or 29 different areas you’re STILL going to have significant differences and you’re STILL going to have to figure out how to work through them.

Please go back and re-read that job interview above. Can you see how compatibility doesn’t make the magic happen by itself? Can you see how beneficial ADVANCED (not pre-marital counseling... ADVANCED) preparation is a no-brainer option for marriage?

Well, that's why we're here... for college and career singles, like you!

Would you like to find out how you could have a dynamic life-giving marriage with or without compatibility? Then please prayerfully consider registering for our upcoming Saturday Seminar for Singles. It’s called Be Prepared - Before You Fall In Love and it takes place in Franklin , TN in LESS THAN 3 WEEKS -- 3/29!

We’re asking folks to register EARLY to help us plan for food, so if you know you need to be there please register now.

We are so looking forward to helping you prepare for your future marriage… whether it’s around the corner or 10 years from now. DON’T WAIT TO PREPARE FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE!

Now let's go back to our interview…

Job Applicant: So does this mean I don’t get the job.
Interviewer: Well… that’s not the only thing you don’t get.
Job Applicant: Well, can I keep the pen?

MJ

Why Does This Keep On Happening?

2008-03-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

It’s the year 2000. My wife and I had been married for almost 7 years. We survived Y2K. Things were looking up, so we bought our first house just 3 months after getting pregnant with our 3rd child. And 3 months later I was laid off. No job… no money for a new mortgage and no insurance for a new baby.

Would you like to know how to better handle crises in your life? You know they won’t stop when you get married (did you read the above paragraph?!?)… not even if you marry the perfect mate. So if you don’t handle stress well before marriage, odds are you won’t handle it any better after marriage.

And the sad thing is that many many married couples separate over crises… crises that would have hit them had they never married… crises that will continue to dog their lives even after divorce.

Did you get that? Some people divorce over situations that they would have had to endure regardless of their marital status… a car accident, cancer, financial trouble, bodily injury, natural disaster, declining health of an aging parent. Marriage isn’t responsible for such things. Divorce doesn’t bring an end to such things, but people will get divorced over them anyway.

Actually, that’s what it looks like from the outside, but in reality, those marriages disintegrate not because of the circumstances themselves, but due to the way spouses react to those circumstances.

Of course, when you’re single you (theoretically) only have to deal with your own problems, but when you’re married, their problem becomes your problem. Even so, dilemmas, disappointments and disasters are part of life. You can’t blame someone for having them, but it can drive you to beat your head against a wall of glass shards when you see how some people handle them.

And there goes another marriage.

Would you like to get a better handle on crises management? Well at our next Saturday Seminar For Singles, Be Prepared - Before You Fall In Love, we’ll go right to the source of our bad habits when it comes to dealing with the unforeseen and unwelcome pitches life throws at us. And by changing our beliefs, we’ll change the way we respond.

Whether you wonder if you’ll EVER get married or whether you’re already engaged you’re going to find some tools you can use to take apart your next crisis before it takes you down. Hope to see you!

MJ

What’s Driving YOUR Sex Drive?

2008-02-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

[IMPORTANT NOTE: 25% EARLY-BIRD DISCOUNT EXPIRES 2/29!!]

I don’t want to come across as a conspiracy theorist, but I’m pretty sure we’ve been lied to. And if it was only by the entertainment industry I wouldn’t say anything. Even if it was just the media, I might still stay quiet. But our public schools are in on it.

That’s what makes me want to park my Honda Odyssey in the city square of downtown Franklin and climb up on top of it with a bull horn shouting, “DON’T BELIEVE THE LIE!”

Today Buck & Sasha continue the con… or maybe it’s they who are hoodwinked. In any case, they trumpet what I was taught back in high school sex ed: the sex drive is driven by animal instinct and the pursuit of happiness. Period. That’s it. Any questions?

But I’m suspicious that there’s much more to it than that. I think our longing for sex reveals more about us than our biological make-up or our entertainment preferences. I believe it is birthed out of far greater needs and passions.

Further, I believe it’s those hidden motivations that have driven our sex drive so far out of control… and driven many a poor soul over the cliff of self-destruction. Whether it’s Bill Clinton in the Oval Office or Ted Haggard in a hotel room, we’ve all seen the power of the sex drive to drive one to ruin… to lie to oneself and the world… to give up everything.

Let’s not even talk about other people. Let’s talk about you. Having a hard time steering clear of internet porn? Can’t keep away from movies and TV shows that feed your sexual fantasies? Are you even struggling with your sexual identity? We all know this sex drive thing is running on more cylinders than my Honda and your car put together. It’s POWERFUL!

Here’s the good news: I believe when you can understand what’s REALLY driving your desire for sexual release, you’ll be better equipped to take the wheel back. Does that sound like a worthwhile goal?

Well this is the sole focus of one of the sessions at the next Marriage Ed Saturday Seminar For Singles – Be Prepared - Before You Fall In Love.

I hope you’ll come out. In fact, register by 2/29 for just $30 and save 25% off the $40 registration fee. Just click on the link immediately above for more information. And if you have any further questions e-mail us here.

MJ